I don’t think I really became an adult
Until I had a child
Didn’t realize all the responsibilities
That I’d pushed aside
And it wasn’t something
That happened right away
It happened over time
I started wanting to make my bed
Tucking the sheets in tight
Probably because everything else
Felt so messy in my life
I started caring about someone else
More than I cared about myself
But I resented that transition
And I struggled to ask for help
I’d never felt so full of love
And empty at the same time
Unloading the dishwasher
And doing the laundry
Convinced me
Everything was fine
We hired a nanny
But I worked from home
So it still never felt
Like I got a break
Always aware of his little sounds
Checking in on him
Throughout each day
Working full-time
And being a mom
I struggled to find the space between
To invest in myself
And continue pursuing
All of my other dreams
Looking back now I can’t believe
All of the yoga retreats
That I’ve gone on
The money and time invested
In writing my poems
And recording my songs
The days I’d have an inspired thought
And pick up my guitar
The hours I’d spend
Trying to express how I feel
The thought of that now
Just seems so bizarre
But “are you still songwriting?”
Is the question I dread
It makes every part of me squirm
It’s hard to not get defensive
To interpret their curiosity
As an accusation
The truth is that I don’t
Have a good reason
Or a story that’s believable enough
“I’m struggling to find where that fits in my life”
Is what I usually settle on
And don’t get me wrong
I love being a mom
More than I ever thought I would
I’m addicted to his giggles
I act more foolish than I ever
Thought I could
Holding his hand each night
Until he goes to bed
God only gives me the patience I have
When he cries “mommy!” at 3am
My life before just seems so indulgent
Always trying to figure out
What I need
To become the best version of myself
My most authentic me!
The trip to Burning Man
The silent meditation retreat
I can’t imagine a time I’ll take
10 days away from my family
To be quiet
And reflect upon things
Was it all just narcissism
In the guise of spiritual growth?
Or was every experience I had
What I needed
To prepare me for this role?
And I can’t believe I’m about
To do it all again
Everyone says your heart just expands
I get nervous about the logistics
But I know I have room
To love another little man
This time around
I just want to be more careful
To not get so lost
In what everyone else needs
To practice preventative medicine
To see self-care as my responsibility
And writing helps me
Feel connected to my spirit
It’s a way for me to be kind
So I promise to follow
That creative inspiration
Because it still visits
From time to time