I was born a watcher
Always observing what
Was around me
And I become so keyed
Into what
Others expected of me
That I poured myself into their mold
Or the one that I imagined
And usually it worked pretty well
So I did it again and again
Until I realized I was lost
In all their definitions
I didn’t know who I was
I felt like I was always acting
Did I think that if they liked me
I’d learn to like myself?
It didn’t work
I felt conflicted
I wanted attention
Then resented it
Confused by my reaction
I started to self medicate
At first with food
Then drinking
Sleep walking I’d find
Comfort in
The one thing that I wanted
And wake up feeling haunted
Knowing I’d lost control
And hating myself
Even more than before
I carried on like this for years
Believing I was crazy
I didn’t have any energy
So I’d play it off like I was lazy
I was terrified
To face myself
I felt safer being sick
That way I could focus
On something else
And not deal with it
Even when I started to get better
I was scared to show vulnerability
I acted the way I wish I felt
The drugs just came in handy
And when your falseness is reinforced
It’s pretty damn confusing
And now years later
It just makes me sad
That it’s been such a challenge
To understand
The way that I feel
At times I don’t know
How I’ve managed
But I’ve come quite a ways
I know myself pretty well
What I struggle with now
Is accepting who I was before
And forgiving myself
And there’s still some lingering patterns
Of behavior I’m trying to break
I want to react to the voice in my head
With understanding
Instead of hate
Because that voice is part of me
And we’ve got to work together
I won’t feel whole divided
I’m determined
To get better