Looking back I can understand now
That I’ve gone about everything wrong
That I’ve embraced the patterns in my behavior
As who I am just because
They’ve gone on so long
But I wasn’t always this way
I can trace it back to when things changed
I wonder sometimes if I’ve blocked parts out
Or over-dramatized what took place
Because my memory of it happening feels blurry
But the feelings remain crystal clear
When I knew I couldn’t stop him
And fought to hold back my tears
Objectified and powerless
Totally out of control
I never wanted to feel that again
But it’s easy to repeat
The only thing that you know
My solution was to become the aggressor
At least that way
It would feel like my choice
And saying no didn’t work the first time
So I didn’t feel empowered
To use my voice
I became so disconnected
From the way that I felt
So I couldn’t be hurt again
I drank to numb myself
And I kept acting like I wanted sex
Hoping my behavior would change how I felt
I’d become what I thought they wanted
And then resent them for not being able to tell
That I was just acting like I took it all lightly
I made it so easy for them
Because I was scared to show vulnerability
To say how I feel
And have them not listen
And I feel so angry at all of them
But none it’s really their fault
I’m just struggling to stop this cycle
And to believe I deserve to be loved
What he did to me was wrong
But now it’s up to me to change
To take responsibility
For what happens next
And stop making the same mistake