I breathe in
Then slowly out
And vow
To hold onto this clarity
I play the night out
In my mind
Hot water hits my body
My thoughts begin
To gather momentum
I pour wine
To slow them back down
Kisses hello
Then light conversation
Food and drink flowing
Loosing track of consumption
Laughter and stories
The volume increasing
As people shift focus
To talking
Not listening
I try to engage
And make people laugh
I try to connect
In any way that I can
Because
I need to feel something
I’m drawn to the high
Of intense conversations
And that knowing eye
Of getting attention
And turning you on
Of tempting you to do
What you know is wrong
Of making you curious
To know more about me
While I keep asking questions
To make sure you can’t see
Now we’re sitting close
My hand on your thigh
The details beginning
To blend into the night
Champagne
Cameras flashing
Running into more friends
Staying
And waiting
For something
To happen
No longer aware
Of who’s talking or listening
No longer aware
Of that lonely feeling
Comfortably numb
Until I wake up in sweat
Trying to remember
What I did and I said
Thoughts going crazy
I twist and I turn
Beating myself up
For not having learned
Coffee
Then follow-up
Phone calls to friends
Reflecting on the evening
And trying to pretend
That I had as much fun
As it looked like I did
I breathe in
Then slowly out
And vow
To not do it again