I wake up with a fear
Of loosing control
That I’ll listen to the voice
Telling me to get more
Posing as my friend
A momentary companion
That appeals to my desire
For rebellion
It hooks me and I’m pulled away
Indulging in the delusion
That remorse won’t follow
As its done in the past
And lead to the same guilt
And confusion
It rationalizes
It justifies
It convinces me it’s a treat
It works against
My best intentions
It’s a powerful dis-ease
But it’s not me
Who I am at my core
Is not broken
It doesn’t need to be fixed
The problem lies in all the layers
Built up through the years
Surrounding it
So I’m driven to understand
Everything I can
About my character defects
And what’s driving them
Not so I can add to my inventory
Of self-deprecating humor
But so I can change my reactions
And have my behavior
More closely mirror
The values that I hold inside
To lighten the load of my regret
To be more loving and kind
To other people and myself
When I fail to do it all just right
I’m trying to focus more on acceptance
And not make it such a fight
And I’m starting to pay more attention
To the words I use
When talking about myself
And this disease
I’m not interested in
Being limited by
Self-imposed labels
That then become my reality
I acknowledge that I have alcoholism
As it’s been defined
And for me it’s no longer
About drugs or booze
But new things that I see
Crop up all the time
And I’ve come to believe
That those too are gifts
Making clear that right now
There’s more work to be done
As I continue on this journey
Into my center
Where I am whole
Not broken