My feet are a size 9 ½
Which isn’t too big
For a girl of my height
I’ve always been grateful
That my hands are small
That I could never palm a basketball
Though that didn’t stop people
From asking me if I played
Throughout my entire life
I’ve gotten compliments on my posture
Implying I should want to hunch
A recognition of my strength
With a threatened undertone
Winning best hair in the 8th grade
Felt like a life vest
Thrown to me in the storm
As if all my insecurities would
Somehow be corrected
With a blow dryer and curling iron
I stood on the sidelines
Watching guys ask girls to dance
Friends getting boyfriends
Young couples holding hands
I planned out my outfits
Every single night
Laying them out on the floor
In advance
In the hopes that tomorrow
Would be all right
I spent years looking in the mirror
And wishing for skinnier thighs
Smoother skin
Without moles and freckles
Bigger breasts, lips and eyes
I cut myself down
To make clear I didn’t think
That I was better than you
That I didn’t want
The attention I got
When I walked in a room
I paged through fashion magazines
Overspent on clothes and shoes
I tried to fill up the space on my skin
With accessories and jewels
I felt guilty for every bite
That I took
Afraid it would make me grow
I wanted to feel feminine
Fragile and dainty
To be swept off my feet by a boy
I colored my hair
Grew it long
Cut it short
But an underlying
Restlessness
Persisted in my soul
I moved to different cities
I took on different friends
And work
But changing the outsides
Proved fruitless
So I looked inside
And there I learned
That I am not my feet
Or hands
My height or hair
Or lack of tan
I am not my thighs
Or lips
The friends I have
Or the place I live
I am not my clothes
Or work
The men that I date
Or the food I eat
I am not the struggles
That I’ve had
The stories I’ve told
Or what you can see
I am a constant
Thriving
Source of energy
Burning in my heart
I am peaceful
I am knowing
I am kindness
I am love
I am vulnerable
And real
And inspired by the truth
I am looking for connection
I am the same as you
I have come to believe
That there is one source
Many paths leading
To the same place
And there what’s important
Is crystal clear
All appearances fall away