I know it’s time to face this
To allow even more space
For emotions to rush in
To get completely honest
And stop using food as another
Form of distraction
To stop reaching
And grabbing
And grazing
Giving into sick thinking
I know now all too well
To see the rationalizations
And justifications
As a sign
That something else is going on
To stop
And pray for help
To come to a place of
Acceptance
That when I’m healthy
I’m naturally thin
That I’ve fluctuated
Between restriction
And compulsion
Out of desire and fear
Of getting attention
To create
A barrier of protection
And a reason for isolation
Based on just not trusting
Myself
When I’m with men
And trying to avoid
What happened
Ever happening again
And wanting to fit in
With other women
To not stand out more than
I already do
I’ve tried to kill
What makes me special
Through years
Of self-abuse
But I don’t want to do that
Anymore
I want to continue cultivating
What makes me unique
And allow my outsides
To reflect
The beauty inside
I’m beginning to see
I want to give myself
Permission
To feel comfortable in my skin
And when emotions start
To bubble up
To not use food
To lock them in
But instead begin to trust
That I can manage whatever
Comes my way
So long as I remain open
And willing
Which is my interpretation
Of faith
And to stop defining myself
By how I’m received
Or being preoccupied by
What I think others think
Convinced that they’re
Watching me eat
It’s all so self-absorbed
And insecure
And a massive waste of time
I’d rather devote my energy now
To helping other people
And filling my life
With the things that bring me
Joy and peace
In sobriety I have
An increasing sensitivity
To everything that threatens
My serenity
So why would I keep engaging in
That kind of self-destruction
That keeps me from growing
And feeling
And learning
And seeing
The things I need to see
No
It’s time to peel back
One more layer
And go deeper
Inside me